Student and Therapist Newsletter Archive
   - Sabotaging behaviours.

+ Sabotaging behaviours. - June 06

+ Emotional issues - Why are people so dumb? - September 05

John,
Just want to let you know I found your book remarkable. I was surprised how you managed to talk about such heavy stuff - the meaning of life etc. - without being heavy. Bloody funny in fact.
I can think of quite a few patients who will definitely benefit from reading it. Before I recommend it to them I have a question.

You talk about sabotaging behaviours and you say that once you see them you don't have to do anything about them because they will just fade away. Won't some people use that as an excuse to do nothing?

Thanks again.
L.M. Sydney.

>>>MY COMMENTS:

Glad you enjoyed the book, thanks for the feedback.

When it comes to giving ourselves a hard time we're like MacGyver. We can make a rod to beat ourselves from . . . anything! Any old bits and pieces lying around. So as soon as we see a sabotaging behaviour we immediately start giving ourselves a hard time about having it.

'What have I done! I'm so dumb.'
Whack! Whack! WHACK!

Then we start giving ourselves a hard time about how we need to make some drastic changes to stop doing whatever the sabotaging behaviour was in the first place.

'That's it, I'm never - smoking another cigarette - drinking another beer - eating another pizza - . . '.
Whack! Whack! WHACK!

It all adds up to a lot of disturbance and makes a great reason for not looking in the first place,
and not looking is much worse than finding an excuse to do nothing.

Once we see a sabotaging behaviour and more importantly the logic behind it, we immediately see the price we're paying, or put another way, we see the value of it.

When we value something highly we hold it close to us and are reluctant to let it go, we worry about people taking it away from us or that we might misplace it.

When that same something diminishes in value we're not so careful with it. We leave it lying around and eventually we loose it.

It's the same with sabotaging behaviours. When we value them highly, unconsciously that is, we hang on to them for dear life. But once we see them and the price we're paying for them we immediately re-evaluate them. Once we value them less we start to loose them.

Let's say Billy overeats and as a result is overweight. Try as he might he still finds himself in front of the refrigerator at 2am. He's reluctant to look at his sabotaging behaviour because he thinks at some stage he will have to stop eating so much.

This thought makes him very uncomfortable in two ways. He is consciously upset because he doesn't think he has the discipline to stop eating as he has tried and failed many times before. He is also disturbed unconsciously and I will explain why in a minute.

Lets say Billy accepts this idea that looking at what might be driving his unconscious behaviours doesn't necessarily mean he will have to change them. After some looking he realises that the reason he eats is because he will feel insubstantial if he doesn't. He started over eating when he was a scrawny kid and he used to get pushed around a lot.

Billy realises he is paying a high price in health and happiness so that he can feel substantial. Does this stop him going to the fridge at 2am? Not straight away. What happens is that each time he finds himself at the point of overeating he can't help but remember why he is doing it.

At the beginning it will start with an inner tussle at the fridge door.
'Why am I doing this?'
'So I won't get pushed around?'
'But people try and push me around anyway?'
'I want cake!'
'It's not really going to help.'

Sometimes he will eat the cake sometimes he won't. As time passes he will walk away more times than he eats. Eventually he will have the conversation without leaving his bed and eventually he won't even wake up.

I've seen it time and again with patients. Once they know there's no expectation on them to change, they begin to relax. Then they realise that there's no way they can fail and when they realise that they are much more willing to look at what's going on for them.

Top

***QUESTION***

Ok Maestro.  Read your blurb on your website.
You don't seem like your standard "Be still and know that I KNOW,' sort of cranio person.  Is there a factory somewhere I don't know about that churns these folk out?
Anyways, I've got a question for ye.
I've been seeing people for 4 years now, using a combination of acupuncture and cranio. 
As time goes on I'm seeing the cause of many physical problems are emotional. 
They tell you their life stories when they come in and you can see how they keep repeating the same self destructive patterns over and OVER again! 
You point it out to them and they just keep doing it?
What gives?
Why don't they get it?
Believe me I've tried everything!
So let's hear your answer on that one Kemosabe.
K. Orlando. Fl.

>>>MY COMMENTS:

Why DON'T people get it?
Is it because they are dumb?
Well let's explore that.  If the reason people don't get stuff is because they are dumb then that would include you and me.

Wouldn't it?

Or do you think we are special? 

That you and I get stuff quicker than other people?
Maybe it is just you and the rest of us are dumb?
   Okay, so maybe there is something else going on.
   It's called subjectivity.

Let me explain.
   This situation happens to about once every couple of weeks in clinic.  I will be talking with a patient about their condition.  I will be in the middle of saying something that I hadn't verbalised before and what I am saying is COOL! 
   Part of me will be listening and thinking 'This is really good, profound, insightful stuff I'm saying.'
   Within a few minutes the patient will be looking at me in an awed sort of way.  I can see them rummaging around internally for the makings of
a nice pedestal to put me on. That's when my ALARM BELLS GO OFF. 
   For me and for them.

While I acknowledge that every now and again I do say something original, I know it's not good for me to get too self admiring about it. 
   I also, know that the patient is about to dis-empower themselves if I don't do something fast. 
   At this stage they will usually be in the middle of telling me how they feel like a failure. The inference being that there are people in the world who are normal, they are in the majority and the patient is an anomaly.
   I stop them and explain the objective/subjective dynamic.
I make a point of explaining that I can have insight about their lives because I AM NOT IN THEIR BODY. I'M NOT LIVING IN THEIR LIFE. 

I further the point by telling them that if we swapped seats and I started telling them about my life, they could have some very useful insights about my life. Particularly the things I am not seeing.

Bottom line Tonto, is you have been sitting in the therapist's chair too long. You have forgotten what it is like to be a patient. You have started to believe your own press and feel like you should be up there on that pedestal your patients have been eager to put you on.

WARNING! WARNING! YOU ARE IN DANGER OF FALLING INTO THE THERAPIST TRAP.

I know because I fell in it a few times myself in different ways.  It is one of those things you need to be very proactive in not allowing to happen.  You have to nip it in the bud with yourself first and then with your patients.
   No pedestal building allowed.
    No special powers implied.
     No act together imagined.

So be of good cheer, K of Orlando, it's not hopeless but you will need to do something NOW.  I suggest going to a therapist, a cranio sacral
therapist even.  Put yourself in the other chair for a bit. 
   Take a class. Learn something new. 
Do whatever you can to break up the cocoon of smug superiority you have woven around yourself. 
   Try and stand beside the patient as you look at their problem, rather on opposite sides of it.
   Be with them, two people doing the best they can, sometimes with ignorance and fear sometimes with grace and beauty.
 

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